And a hybrid, no less. I'm so very green.
I realize that I'm starting this transfer T5L mini-series slightly tardy, but that illness just had me sleeping half the week. Now, I'm refreshed and ready to drop the first of three rapid-fire lists related to the good, the bad and the ugly of transfers. And that starts with a "T", which stands for "trouble".
We shall start crisply with the bad - if not disturbingly head-scratching, should you support one of these clubs as... ahem... a certain scribe does.
The bottom line is that each of these cold weather miscreants had a serious situation to address with plenty to fight for over the back stretch. And good grief, did they manage to bottle it or what?
While a couple of the offenders merely hurt themselves in the books during tough economic times, the real crime here is that the big three may well have robbed themselves of a silver haul.
I won't dilly dally with historical context or whimsical anecdote: let's get to crackin' the whip.
#5 - Spurs achieve balance, Reds achieve blush
I hereby predict Tottenham will have a great second half. They've been so miserable until now, how could they not? Like water, Spurs find their own level.
This one is basically a two-fer because the White Hart Lane bunch (not the roughest sounding moniker ever, to be sure) were a part of two silly bits of striker business. The deals, when combined, gave them back the tandem of Jermain Defoe and Robbie Keane - each of whom had been sold out North London to make way for shiny new purchases within the preceding calendar year. True to form, they fleeced once and were fleeced once.
The story begins in Portsmouth, where Defoe packed his bags for upwards of £16 million (including various side clauses), nearly twice what Spurs got for him the previous January. If only the forward hadn't scored at a nice clip despite uneven playing time while he was gone... at least now he can return to doing that in white.
On the other hand, Keane's return was sweet payback. Not only did the get back the popular goal-getter, but Liverpool actually chopped more than £8 million off the check they sent to Tottenham for the Ireland star last summer.
In: 29 million. Out: 29 million. Back: two proven scorers. Punk'd: Both Tottenham and Liverpool. Hmmm... I wonder what happens if Fernando Torres goes down for any appreciable amount of time, could end up a double joke on the Anfield boys in a tight title race.
Perhaps Harry Redknapp was thanking Keane for the fiscal/football do-over by handing him the armband upon arrival. One can practically hear the clubhouse jibes now:
"Oi, gaffah! Wasn't Robbo kind to score only five goals for the Reds? Yeah, ain't he sweet to slash the price, 'Arry? A real Lilywhite! Make him skipper, will ya?"
#4 - Droopy Dog, transfer negotiator
All those billions to play with and such a lack of sense. Manchester City, the spendiest of the big spenders these days, plunked down £17 million for Hamburg midfielder Nigel de Jong.
Interesting side note: said player had a clause in his HSV deal that allowed him out in the summer for £3 million.
Don't get me wrong. De Jong is a terrific football pick-up for Citeh, who needed a proper and mobile stopper in front of their inconsistent defense. At some point, they should actually go about winning a lot. It's just that, as a bit of haggling goes... well... it seems that... I can't even quantify how... oh, screw it.
Instead of worrying about how to word that, I should use my time to acquire something that I can sell to Manchester City.
#3 - "Kerel, waar is mijn spits?"
Or translated from Dutch: "Dude, Where's My #9 Striker?"
Ajax fans will remember that last minute summer sale of Zlatan Ibrahimović in 2004. The flairful beanpole practically jumped through the closing window like Jackie Chan, leaving the Amsterdammers about 25 minutes to find a replacement for the new season - which they were unable to do. The team struggled without a single frontline striker on the roster until winter, and a late rally fell short of the crown.
That may well have been a transfer to ignited a run of four consecutive Eredivisie championships for PSV Eindhoven, and it may well be the lack of cover for the departed Klaas-Jan Huntelaar that stretches the very same title drought to five years.
The real headache is that, this time, there was no frenzied rush to find a new forward at the last minute. This time, Huntelaar was essentially off to Real Madrid a week before the transfer period began. A few nice options were floated in the press, but in the end, it seems Ajax were content to pocket most of the €27 million revenue gained (they did drop a few on badly needed veteran defender Rob Wielart).
The slack has already hurt. When starter Dario Cvitanich was suspended, the Mokum boys dropped the first of two consecutive 1-0 decisions to fall well off the AZ Alkmaar title pace.
#2 - Hey! Watsamatterchu?
It all seemed so simple: to track down house rivals Inter, AC Milan needed to bring in a veteran defensive presence. With the backliners either aging, ailing, scuffling or some combination thereof, the red half of San Siro went searching high and low for a reliable puzzle piece. After being rebuffed for the likes of Liverpool's Daniel Agger and Arsenal's William Gallas, it looked as though they'd finally land longtime target Alex from Chelsea.
Those were far from the only options, but all they eventually scooped 20-year old right back Felipe Mattioni from Grêmio. While he certainly may solve a problem area for years to come, it was hardly the kind of winter dealing to compel a title rally.
And now, they've probably left the Scudetto to Inter... who will probably then give it right back to them (provided the Rossoneri can hold off Juventus, Genoa and Fiorentina) once the match fixing investigation concludes... provided there are no more shady dealings uncovered against Italian toppers.
Or, by the time Serie A is done being outed in scandal, Lecce will have recorded a six-peat.
#1 - Unleaded or Sanogo?
And is there a difference? I already mentioned this once, but German surprise package Hoffenheim may have just re-wrapped themselves by opting to fill an obvious striker need with a loan for back-up Werder Bremen man Boubacar Sanogo, who is now wearing his third Bundesliga shirt in three years.
With a narrow league lead to protect against Bayern Munich, the cash-happy climbers were linked with a variety of fantastic poachers to step in atop Hoffenheim's virtual pyramid of set-up men for injury victim Vedad Ibišević (from St. Louis U., gotta say it!).
They could have made a real statement (and shrewd investment, let's not forget) to snag a real livewire like Guilherme (who ended up at Dinamo Kyiv) or Hajduk Split prodigy Nikola Kalinić. Instead, they went with a guy who drove Hamburg nutso for one season and (after a decent fresh start) mainly makes a living capping Bremen blowouts with late tap-ins. Oh, he will get into marvelous positions... and then somehow miss. A lot.
Thumbs way down, Hoffenheim. You coulda been a contenduh...
Tomorrow: Top 5 All-Time $uper Mega Cra$hing Tran$fer Flop$
- Greg Seltzer
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