Friday, May 6, 2011

Top 5 Best Worst Movies Ever Made

For reasons I have yet to pinpoint, while in college I discovered an unabashed love for really, really bad movies. So bad they split your sides in half. One night during finals, instead of studying, I opted to watch a movie, which remains unnamed in my mental monologue, on TBN of a white Jesus with a stick-on beard in a tie-dyed robe walking around what the directors no doubt hoped would look like ancient Jerusalem. Instead, they failed to hide a modern skyline and a highway in the background, and an Isuzu Trooper zoomed past just as Jesus passed out the loaves and fishes. Beautiful. Ever since I've been hooked. Let's take a look at the five worst/best/funniest of all time... in my book, anyway. I spend way too much time watching this stuff.

#5 - Commando

This gets a token nod because it remains the most ridiculous action movie of all time. One noble soul counted up 81 confirmed deaths by Arnold's hand in 90 minutes of reel time, but when you count in the death of good cinema, it's likely much, much higher. Props to Arnold's stunt double, who jumps out of a moving airplane at 200 feet, pulls a phone booth from its moorings (with a guy inside) and hurls it at a group of cops, rips out a car seat with one hand and single-handedly blows up an entire island. Below, I present you the musical, which is the most amazing thing I've ever seen.

#4 - R.O.T.O.R.

A Robocop knockoff. But much, much better. In a bad way, of course. The entire movie is on Youtube. Do yourself a favor.

#3 - Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2

Gave rise to my favorite tag line in all of bad movies: "Garbage Day!" Also, hilariously awful in every way imaginable.

#2 - Future War

Dinosaurs using humans as "trackers" in the future? One of which somehow escapes through a loophole and brings his overlords with him through time to terrorize a prostitute-turned-nun in 1999 Los Angeles? Sounds plausible.

#1 - Troll 2

It does not get funnier than this. I would be remiss if if I didn't put this atop our list. Watch and learn.

- Will Parchman


William said...

You should check out the documentary 'Best Worst Movie' about the people who starred in and made Troll 2, it's great.

Will said...

I actually came across that very movie on Netflix a few days ago. It's a very, very high #1 on my queue right now.

Will said...

And Revenge of the Ninja didn't make the top five, but it's so close that I'll put it at No. 6 here:

Jay said...

I presume you've seen "The Room"? Pretty ridiculous. Also consider the "Garbage Pail Kids" movie.

Danny said...

any 'best worst movie' list that doesnt feature The Room is not a legit list

Will said...

Ah, how could I forget Tommy Wiseau's masterpiece?

"You're tearing me apart Lisa!"

S A Stevens said...

You've dredged up some pretty mucky muck there, but in my mind the list is incomplete without the 1982 spatterfest Pieces. What a waste of ketchup!

S A Stevens said...

Pieces snippets (pun very much intended)