Monday, January 9, 2012

Envy, thy name is a plate of artisan cupcakes.

Alright... I'm not saying Kyle Martino doesn't deserve a charmed life, but c'mon!

Dude played pro and international soccer, married Eva Amurri and had killed national broadcasts like a pro by the time he'll turn 31 next month. Fine. Great. I'm happy for the guy.

But now, NOW, he's gotten to be a judge on Cupcake Wars.

(distant stare full of raging sorrow)

It's just too much, the envy piped high like banana hazelnut butter cream swirl on the head of a green-eyed monster. I'm seriously considering the development of an overtly immature, all-encompassing, purely-imagination-based competitive rivalry with Kyle Martino and I don't believe I've ever met the perfectly nice guy in person (talked to him once or twice on the phone several years back).

This news is going to burn for a while. Long after the episode airs tonight at 8 pm ET on Food Network. I'm not even playing. I would gladly beat up a Girl Scout troop comprised of unicorns to be a taste panelist on that show. Don't judge me.

(shakes fist to the heavens)


- Greg Seltzer


UnitedDemon said...

Go back to the part where he's married to a stripper/student from Californication. Damn.

Greg Seltzer said...

Without trying in any way to shade the sunlight on Mrs. Martino, there are millions of superb ladies. Every guy can find his dream girl out there.

This is Cupcake Wars. They handle it out in the kitchen like gangstas, yo.

Greg Seltzer said...

I didn't even mention the guy probably gets Thanksgiving dinner at Susan Sarandon's house. How awesome is that?

Ugh. I'm hungry now.

Jay said...

You know, I could leave the random posts about dance crews and b-boys... but when it comes to cupcakes? Well, that's why I love NSC. Gimme that banana hazelnut butter cream.

Greg Seltzer said...

That's okay, Jay. I've done the math - everyday, billions of people worldwide leave all of my posts. You come to NSC despite the ones you find boring.

I can't wait for this episode to air. Forget another soccer face in the American mainstream and all... it means more crazy cupcakes to daydream about.