Sunday, January 10, 2021

Bandwagon Hoppe

All aboard!! The first American to bag a hat trick in Bundesliga play has officially left the station. On Saturday night, Matthew Hoppe from good ol' Yorba Linda, California scored three nifty goals inside a 22-minute span to end Schalke's 30-game win drought with a 4-0 defeat of Hoffenheim. Frankly, the visitors deserved it for those garish uniforms, and the 19-year-old administered their punishment with extreme prejudice. And afterwards, he stuck around for a thoroughly shell-shocked "I can't believe this is happening" word with the studio crew. Fiction, you've been out-stranged yet again.

- Greg Seltzer

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